Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy: I love u. Girl: Aww really? Boy: Yep, Its my favorite vowel.

   Wondering if your adopted because your the only sexy one in the family.

   If I am ever in the middle of a shooting, I will just lay on the floor and act like someone already killed me.

   "Hey, what's up?" "Gas prices." "You know what I mean, like.. What's crackin'?" "Nutshells." "Really? Fine. What's poppin'?" "Corn."

   I dont have a problem with guys wearing white pointed shoes, just as long as they don't curl up, dude be looking like sum extra on the set of Aladdin.

   Redneck Magician , couldn't pull a rabbit out of his hat so he pulled a hare out of his bag

   ittle known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.

   Facebook is really just a museum of all my failed relationships.

   Bin Laden, Gadaffi, Saddam, and Maliki are part of the occupy Hell movement.

   I have given up on browsing online dating websites and have moved on to the SPCA Cat Adoptions page instead.

   Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven after Lucifer's rebellion?

   My neighbors parked to close to my car again. And hey look at that, Somebody keyed their car again.

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   The word "Scone" perfectly describes what it is.

   Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.

   Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   I really don't mind getting up and going to work every day. It's the part about staying there for 8 hours that I have a problem with.