Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.

   I like to pretend that the girls who do the "duck face" in pics can beatbox real good

   Being lonely, I don't sit at reserved tables. I like the furniture to be friendly and outgoing.

   for a good time call....Jenny....867-5309

   woamn goes to clothing store. clerk asks if she nedds help. woman says "im looknig for a tie that makes my husbands blue eyes stand out" clerk says "make it tight enough & any eyes stand out"

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

   How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?

   Terrell Owens held a work out for NFL teams today,was televised by ESPN &the NFL Network.problem was no NFL teams actually showed.Reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite when Uncle Rico is videotaping himself playing football.How much you w

   it's true, I too was born a poor, black child.

   Its strange to think that decades from now, people might be dressing like US for Halloween, like they do for flappers, or hippies.

   If two girls wear the same costume for Halloween, they are officially enemies for the day.

   It looks like your supermarket is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

   Hi I'm Muammar Gaddafi, and this is "Escape Tunnel"....Welcome to Jackass!

   At one point in their life, 90% of all women will have intelligent DNA, unfortunately most will spit it out!

   Chris Brown & I have a totally opposite understanding of the term "I'de hit that"

   Whoa!!!!! The McRib is back in McDonald's....next thing you know they may go back to putting real meat in the hamburgers!!!!!

   I go on Facebook cause of habit, not for something to do...

   Next time the bully asks you for your lunch money, tell him you left it on his mother's dresser.

   Saying, "Comment and like the pic please!" on Facebook is no different than saying, "Please make my self- esteem go up"