Funny Status Messages

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.