hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Slippery Slope of New Years Resolutions: 1st Resolution: Go to the gym every day. 2nd: Feel guilty for not going. 3rd: Pie.

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.