Jake Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 13:47 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 21:18 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 20:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
←Rate | 03-03-2018 00:57 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:32 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:30 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
←Rate | 02-28-2018 17:25 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 18:33 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 03:09 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:15 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 23:09 by Jake Comments (3)  


   messageicon Patient: Doc evey time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Are you taking anything for it? Patient: Yea, snuff.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 16:11 by Jake Comments (1)  


   messageicon A plumber's job can draining.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 00:01 by Jake Comments (3)  


   messageicon Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 23:57 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:34 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:17 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:09 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.
←Rate | 02-22-2018 23:14 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.
←Rate | 02-22-2018 22:19 by Jake Comments (0)  


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