XX-FOXY Funny Status Messages

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...

   Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   Wow Justin Bieber still well and alive... Only in US and God Bless America! In most of countries, guys like him don't get to make it to sweet 16...

   If your girlfriend sees you blow drying pen*s and asks “what are you doing???” Never!!! Never ever tell her - "heating your dinner honey!!!"

   I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!

   I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

   A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…

   “Happy New Year 2000! Have a fantastic year, and successful 2000!” - New York Alzheimer's Society

   I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Starbucks parking lot for honking at him, before taking off like a maniac… You left your breakfast and coffee on top of your car…

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return for refund Mondays...

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.

   Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement