Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.

   So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a hater. I'm more like a rational critic of rampant idiocy.

   If I can't identify an animal I spray it with water because there's always that chance it could be a gremlin

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   I found a butterfly on the ground that had no wings. So, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... it drowned.

   Yesssss….neighbor guy, the whole block knows you own a Harley. So, you can stop revving your engine every 1.6 seconds. Or, better yet, while you are stopped at the stop sign. You're cool, we get it.

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

   Holy Crap!!! I'm watching Fox News as we speak and they just discovered bigfoot for real... wait wait.. disregard it's Chaz Bono....

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.

   The best part of Black Friday? Waiting outside the stores for exhausted women on endorphin highs to come out.

   "We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed

   Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   Even though he was voiced by James Earl Jones, Darth Vader definitely wasn't black because he never would have admitted he was Luke's father.