Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4,000 times?

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   If you can't handle me at my worst I don't blame you because I can be a total ass.

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.