Joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   Saying that an iPhone is the best phone because of the battery life is like saying my bicycle is the best car when it comes to fuel economy.

   Does anyone else remember the day when you found out your parents had other names besides mom and dad? How crazy was that?!

   The desire to roll around in mud while getting tasered and scraped by barbed wire early in the morning eludes me. It sounds like rough sex without the safe word. #NoThanks

   when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar

   I bet Carroll Shelby went from Alive to Dead in less than 10 seconds

   Marsha Brady is gonna freak when she finds out that Davy Jones died

   gues she finally exhaled

   I like to go to parks and watch the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks

   I bet shady people have a really hard time getting tan

   Breasts, great on chicks, AND turkeys

   The only candy I'm interested in tonight swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   Dear girls at the gym, skinny doesn't fix ugly

   The McRib is like the undead of the sandwich world, it keeps coming back. #ZombieFood!

   Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing