Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself.

   They praise and call Brice brave for changing into a woman. They hail it as an achievement. This world has really gone to the dogs. I remember a time when bravery was risking your life fighting against the Nazi. Achievement was landing on the moon.

   Jerk off so hard your sperm dies of shaken baby syndrome.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Could you just make my paycheck out to the liquor store? Thanks.

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

   Ice cubes just get in the way when your drinking becomes serious.

   She tried to make me leave the house without my phone charger and that's when I called the cops.

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   I am like a buffet, you take what you like and ignore what you dont like.