andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out