SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win

   Swords would be a lot less cool if we pronounced the "w."

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   I've got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.

   I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.

   I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins

   I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..

   I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...

   Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.

   We let you do whatever you want. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever come here?? - Nevada's State Motto

   Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   "I don't care if it takes 10 years, a war and trillions of dollars, I will find you." - Me about figuring out who unfriended me on Facebook.