MTQ Funny Status Messages

   Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!

   I patiently wait, after posting a humorous status message on facebook, for the first "Debbie Downer" to come along who completely doesn't get it, then posts a comment which totally destroys the joke

   You can go to church and sing a hymn, you can judge me by the color of my skin, you can live a lie until you die, the one thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside.

   A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"

   Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.

   My girlfriend insists on buying tuna in water. "It's healthier then the tuna in oil!" Then we get home and she puts a gallon of mayonnaise in it.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   I'm seeing this really hot chick. Yet I have no friends to tell it to. I mean, it was okay to tell my girlfriend, right? It was okay?

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.

   Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.

   If little girls were given dolls that drank and wet because they had maternal instincts...how come us guys weren't given blow up dolls for our paternal instincts?

   Be on the lookout for the latest wave of terrorists to enter the USA: M'Balz Es-Hari.....Graabir Boubi....Hous Bin Pharteen...and the most dangerous of the four, I-Zheet M'Draurz.

   My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."

   I invented a steak sauce. The ingredients; Au Jus, Shiitake Mushrooms, and Vinegar. No one will market it. They have a problem with the name. I named after the three ingredients. What's so bad about: "Au Shiit Niga!"

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.