BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.

   Guys that are afraid of spiders, what color did you get your nails painted on Mother's Day?

   The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on

   I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.

   Stages of Status Updating: 1. Whatever. 2. Good for waiting rooms. 3. Pulled over at the side of the road so you don't forget a great status update.

   If you can't handle me on Facebook then you definitely don't deserve me at my best! Wait...this is my best!!! Guys, please love me.

   I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   You treat your body like a temple? That’s nice......... I treat mine like a wh0reh0use above a liquor store next to a 24 hr Taco Bell.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backwards. I think he inherited that trait from our Mom or Dad.

   I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally dropped his 2nd Reese's cup in the dirt.

   No one will ever love you as much as your dog loves your stinky feet

   Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status..........................BUSTED

   This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.

   It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.

   If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.