minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   Daylight Savings Time means I’ll be hungover one hour less than usual this Sunday.

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   News Alert for New Years Eve!! Government warning!!! According to the Surgeon General: When women consume alcohol, it impairs their ability to say “no”! So.... who's buying me a drink?

   As I scroll through my FB feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of tequila and eggnog and I pass out on the floor.

   Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

   I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   Anyone else having trouble with these nicotine patches? Mine melt as soon as I light them.

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.

   Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

   Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...

   I was thinking about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..