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Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
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01-19-2023 02:01
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.
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07-08-2022 09:05
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The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
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01-09-2023 02:48
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My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.
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01-13-2023 02:44
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IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
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01-18-2023 01:05
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You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
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01-19-2023 04:10
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When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔
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01-23-2023 03:06
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When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.
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06-24-2022 23:14
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Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
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01-13-2023 02:50
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Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
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01-13-2023 02:31
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Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
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01-13-2023 02:41
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To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.
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01-13-2023 02:46
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The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
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01-18-2023 01:09
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Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”
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01-10-2023 02:13
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Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
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06-21-2022 22:45
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I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
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06-24-2022 23:16
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How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.
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01-19-2023 01:53
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Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.
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01-19-2023 02:09
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You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
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01-09-2023 03:00
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