Funny Status Messages Search

X Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-17-2012 19:12 by snotty Comments (2)

X I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-19-2012 00:15 by snotty Comments (0)

X It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-19-2012 11:05 by snotty Comments (0)

X I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-19-2012 11:21 by snotty Comments (0)

X Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-20-2012 08:31 by snotty Comments (0)

X For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-20-2012 18:01 by snotty Comments (0)

X is Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-21-2012 18:13 by snotty Comments (0)

X I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-21-2012 18:15 by snotty Comments (1)

X "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-21-2012 18:16 by snotty Comments (0)

X When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-21-2012 18:19 by snotty Comments (0)

X Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-21-2012 20:15 by snotty Comments (0)

X Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-22-2012 20:35 by snotty Comments (0)

X Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-22-2012 20:37 by snotty Comments (0)

X I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-22-2012 20:41 by snotty Comments (0)

X says For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-23-2012 17:18 by snotty Comments (0)

X Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-23-2012 17:29 by snotty Comments (0)

X TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-24-2012 09:36 by snotty Comments (0)

X Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-24-2012 09:37 by snotty Comments (0)

X Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-24-2012 16:43 by snotty Comments (0)

X I love Captain Crunch,,, and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting the "roof of my mouth" skin... Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-24-2012 19:17 by snotty Comments (0)