Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   Let's face it. If we exist, it means we come from a long line of f**kers.

   Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."

   I can never tell when one someone pokes me right back on facebook if they're really into me or has major OCD.

   I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.

   Q.What do you call a dog with 2 inch legs and metal b@lls. A. Sparky

   When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.

   My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

   To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   An asteroid and volcanic eruptions wiped out the dinosaurs. Technology and the misuse of it will wipeout mankind.

   This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   Election still got you down? It could be worse. You could be a conjoined twin with a g@y brother who has a date and you're the only one with an @$$.

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   When asked my weight, I give what it is on the Moon.

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.