Funny Status Messages
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Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills. 
Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button
I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
Elevator music bothers me on many levels
Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.
SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁
Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.
Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.