Funny Status Messages

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?