Funny Status Messages

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.