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Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.
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05-11-2018 22:17
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The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
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05-11-2018 22:31 by
@thecatwhisperer
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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
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07-02-2018 09:49 by
@KylaDenniston
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If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
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07-28-2018 23:12
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It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
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09-17-2018 02:22
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Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.
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09-18-2018 07:42
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i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.
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09-23-2018 23:53
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Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends
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10-15-2018 21:12
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CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..
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01-10-2019 16:05
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I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
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01-16-2019 12:52
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Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
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08-12-2017 07:27
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Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
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09-28-2017 20:57
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Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
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01-26-2018 05:06
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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
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03-27-2018 20:28
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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.
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11-13-2017 05:04
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Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
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12-03-2017 23:23
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For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.
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06-06-2018 16:23
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5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
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08-02-2017 07:45
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Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
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12-05-2017 05:20
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It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.
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01-01-2018 04:21
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