Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK, who decided to call them iPhone Chargers and not Apple Juice?

   Talk to your kids about drugs. No, seriously. They have better connections.

   Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!

   Obama deflated the balls so the news would talk about it all freaking day and not focus on real issues.

   My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.

   ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...

   Well it's Game Day. I wonder if Tom Brady will be feeling a lot of pressure

   I just noticed that if I slouch over just right I can make my belly fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.

   People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

   This Halloween I'm going to be my wife and just complain all day.

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   I finally got a job at the.bakery because I kneaded the dough.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   The new Star Wars movie will feature a fat robot to star alongside R2D2 & C3PO. He will be called OBCT!

   I'm so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

   The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

   I'm so looking forward to Halloween! Wonder if I'll see any costumes as scary as Renee Zellweger's new face...