Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Taylor Swift, Kanye took your microphone not your virginity. Let's move on...

   says, forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

   pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool wit your pants on the ground

   Reasoning Behind Most Comments to A Woman's Photos: 75%-Looks, 20%-Talent, 5%- REAL Talent.

   Jeff Gordon vs. Jimmie Johnson...I love it when DIVA's fight!!

   microwaving metal objects.

   Do you think Popeye would still want Olive Oyl if he knew how much Rachel Ray uses her?

   says even though my cherries gone, I still have the box it came in! :)

   Got caught with a beer while driving... Who would have thought they would pull over a schoolbus.

   just saw Elvis, Marilyn and Bin Laden at Walmart...I have pics...but for politically correct reasons I cannot post them!

   Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."

   So, My girlfriend asked me if I loved Her,..No girl, I only think about you all day, text you whenever I can & Stare at you constently when i'm with you.

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   I wasnt that drunk..." "Dude, you were telling 'Yo mama' jokes to orphans...

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status

   Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge... Its much less painful

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   Tried submitting the 49ers vs Jets game to pornhub, but they don't allow r@pe

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant have a nice day!'