Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after 16 years of leaving the Patriots, Pete Carroll finally won a superbowl for them

   Hey McDonald's, here's an add to fire back at Taco Bell: Eat at McDonald's, you won't sh.. your pants. -your welcome.

   Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

   Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back

   The very existence of the flamethrowers status proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to contribute, but I am not original."

   '̿'̿̿\̵͇̿̿\з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿

   believes walking like George Jefferson will burn 1000 calories a day

   thinks it's funny how Google Chrome's spell-checker dictionary doesn't have the word "Google" in it

   : BREAKING NEWS.... Scientist have discovered a cure for apathy, but no one seems to care.

   no easter bunnies were harmed in the making of this status

   Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall

   I'm thinking of removing all the keys off my friend's keyboard and replacing them in a random order.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"

   This is pure snow! Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?!

   throws his hand up and pretends he's on a roller-coaster whenever the plane takes off.

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.