Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last thing that went through Osama Bin Ladens mind was a bullet.

   Wish someone would add me to their grocery list.

   Help me spread the word all over the internet that I am a millionaire. cause if its on the internet it has to be true.

   My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.

   did anyone wake up manny paquiao I know he got stuff to do today

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

   Looks like the Pope is headed for the old popes home..

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys

   POF may say it short for Plenty of Fish, but I'm pretty sure it's Plenty of Fatties…

   I'm at my worst and most vulnerable when someone else is holding my phone.

   Breaking News: 36% of Witches are indicating it is cold out.....

   The cat puking in the middle of my bed was NOT the type of wet spot I was hoping for.

   @ Nobody ... the bottle said 1 pill every 12 hours, not 12 pills every 1 hour.

   Forget the Mars rover, science's greatest accomplishment has to be keeping that baby from falling out of Snooki.

   Hillary whinning that Russian hackers are leaking the truth about her rigging the election................

   hey we're back to funny quotes... Dummy-Crats must be reading Killary's book.

   “Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.

   “I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster

   wake up in the morning.... my mind: nope. my body: nope. my d!<K: let's rock!