Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   911: What is your emergency? / Sprint HTC Evo: Hi, I just murdered the iPhone.

   Do homeless people get knock knock jokes???

   Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age, but will kill you if you forget their birthday`s :-)

   You know, even after all these years, Stacy's mom has still got it going on.

   I wonder if Kayne West will redeem himself when Beyonce's baby is born, like ripping it from her arms and handing it to Taylor Swift

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

   "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger this afternoon and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

   Happy Unimaginative, Consumerist-Oriented, and Entirely Arbitrary, Manipulative and Shallow Interpretation of Romance Day

   Wisconsin 0...Gov. Walker 1....now go home and put your cheese head hats on.

   I'm sad my kids have left to Summer Camp for 2 weeks. I no longer have an excuse to watch iCarly while they're gone...

   i do not always use internet explorer but when I do, its to download a new web browser

   The time you REALLY wish you had a video camera is when somebody says, "Hold my beer and watch this".

   There's a move to divide California into two states: The state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy.

   How many terrible mistakes can you make before you're officially a bad person? It's like 70, right?

   Raise your hand if you are one of those people who have to publicly announce that they're in love...and with that hand, b*tch-slap yourself.

   People with little or no education love to argue the most.

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take as much time as you need.

   ♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥

   Three questions that dumbfound people: 1) How did Moses part the Red Sea? 2) How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 3) How is Jacob Lusk still on American Idol?