huck Funny Status Messages

   If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   I wonder if Brad Pitt gets sad on Christmas when one of his kids asks what's in the box

   I don't want to say I'm out of shape, but I can't even jog my memory without breaking a sweat.

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   Just found out Bob Ross was once a military sergeant and now I'm picturing him yelling LOOK AT ALL THOSE HAPPY LITTLE TREES, MAGGOT

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.