eengrms Funny Status Messages

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   If you ever look in the mirror and wonde if your look is still in style, remember there are still guys with pony tails so you're probably not that bad...

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...