andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 06:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."
←Rate | 05-31-2015 07:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
←Rate | 05-31-2015 07:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?
←Rate | 05-31-2015 07:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.
←Rate | 05-23-2015 09:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.
←Rate | 05-23-2015 09:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
←Rate | 05-22-2015 05:12 by andrew jackson Comments (2)  


   messageicon how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?
←Rate | 05-21-2015 05:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.
←Rate | 05-17-2015 13:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca
←Rate | 05-16-2015 16:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”
←Rate | 05-16-2015 16:11 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.
←Rate | 05-09-2015 16:26 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
←Rate | 05-09-2015 16:05 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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