Gman Funny Status Messages

   The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.

   She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   If her ass had a red "you are here" dot on it, I'd never get lost in thought.

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.