minnie haha Funny Status Messages

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off

   My friend said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them for Christ sake..

   I'm going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn't matter... something's gonna die tonight.

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.

   I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...

   I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)