eengrms Funny Status Messages

   If the universe didn't want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn't have four slots on my toaster...

   That guy has a couple screws loose... which is ironic because he's also a tool...

   You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...

   If you take all the veins out of a person and lay them end to end that person will die...

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   Just read that Kate Upton is an heir to a billion dollar fortune... Finally a reason to date her...

   Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid...

   At least now I know the real reason why I've never been asked to play on a professional volleyball team...

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse...

   This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman?

   So Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I'm thinking savings isn't the only thing you will catch at Walmart...

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught...

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   Don't ever say Obama wasn't the jobs president, look how many lawyers he is going to keep employed for the next two years...