andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

   Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja