XXX-FUXY Funny Status Messages

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return for refund Mondays...

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Starbucks parking lot for honking at him, before taking off like a maniac… You left your breakfast and coffee on top of your car…

   I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…

   “Happy New Year 2000! Have a fantastic year, and successful 2000!” - New York Alzheimer's Society

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…

   A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!

   I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

   Teacher: What comes after 69? Student: Mouthwash! Teacher: Get Out!

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!

   I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.

   If your girlfriend sees you blow drying pen*s and asks “what are you doing???” Never!!! Never ever tell her - "heating your dinner honey!!!"

   Wow Justin Bieber still well and alive... Only in US and God Bless America! In most of countries, guys like him don't get to make it to sweet 16...

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   You know some men got the craving for gold and silver. Others need lots of nice cars and thrill. And there're those that got the weakness for whiskey and women. When you boil it all down, what does a man really need? Just a smoke and a cup of coffee…

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)

   Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...

   Dear FB Friend #253. If you have a problem with me for “being politically incorrect and insensitive to other people's feelings”, please write it nicely on a piece of paper, then type it, put it in an envelope, fold it , stamp it and shove it up your

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...