Maureen Funny Status Messages

   When my sons says, "I`ve cleaned my room," that usually means "I`ve made a path from the door to my bed."

   What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”

   Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.

   understands the concept of housework, but has difficulty grasping how it applies to me!

   found my favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   Whenever I am faced with a challenge, I ask myself, “What would Phil Dunphy do?”

   been making the same mistakes for so long that I've taken to just calling them "my traditions!"

   found the difference between being smart and wise: Smart is knowing what to say and wise is knowing whether or not to say it.

   will be sponsoring a 0.25 mile fun run to raise awareness for people that I wish would just GO AWAY! I'm calling it the Kardashian Dash!

   finds that I tend to say “I don't know” when I'm too lazy to think.

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention

   will drink responsibly when someone names a brand of alcohol “Responsibly.”

   This delicious brownie just accepted my friend request!

   This healthy bran cereal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and am now eating bacon.

   My son informed me that he does NOT lie. He simply creates fiction with his mouth from time to time.

   swears that about a third of my life is spent trying to remember why I have entered a room.

   just here to establish my alibi.

   "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the wine that is in the fridge