John Y Funny Status Messages

   Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   If you hold up a Shell and listen, you should hear the clerk tell you that he doesn't want any trouble.

   You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap!

   K-WHEN, because everyone already knows why.

   I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!

   If being single ever gets you down, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do anything you want to do.

   St. Patrick's Day Tip: Remember to switch your regular toilet paper roll out with a green roll tonight...You'll thank me tomorrow.

   You know that the Pot used to call the Kettle something much worse right?

   Yes a few rounds being dumped into your back is above and beyond excessive force. And murder. But once again, it's very simple, if you comply, you don't die... Pants Up Don't Loot!!!

   Aaron Hernandez went from getting 40 million as a tight end, to needing two packs of smokes for a tight end.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.

   Pants up don't loot!!!

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   Bruce Jenner can transition into whatever he/she wants to. All I ask is that his stepdaughters are transitioned into the bird $hi+ on my windshield, because I just got a fresh gallon of washer fluid.

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?