Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   While discussing the costliness of gifts, my wife's family has decided to draw names out of a hat for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day this year. Too bad I couldn't draw the name of a different family altogether for Christmas.

   We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time.

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.

   The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.

   The following statement is true: the previous statement is false.

   Do you know why most men die before their wives? Because they want to.

   A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. I hope Axe Body Spray doesn't come up with their own version... I'd really hate to see the women who'll mob you for THAT scent.

   Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   The difference between Kanye's supposed genius and his stupidity is that his genius has it's limits.

   Whenever I see our many elected leaders in the news or in commercials I always envy McDonalds employees. This is because they only have to tolerate seeing one clown who runs the show on TV.

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.

   INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?

   So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   The truth is anyone who thinks we're still having global warming should look at what is happening in Egypt and realize that they're in DE-NILE. (Sorry I couldn't resist)