Gman Funny Status Messages

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   You know you've made wonderful choices in life when you're proud of yourself for not being drunk before lunch.

   I'm dragging ass today. I don't know how dogs wipe like this, it hurts like hell.

   A fool and his money are soon dating women way too good looking for him.

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   F*cking a mannequin is not an excuse to tell your friends you're banging a model.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.

   I can't believe UPS stole the "What can brown do for you?" slogan from Ex-Lax. Ain't that some sh*t?

   If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.

   It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.

   If the bank wanted the security picture on the front of my debit card to be accurate for my account, they would've let me frown.

   What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.

   eating bacon with Mohammed.