BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.

   If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you're one of them

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?

   I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

   Parenting tip: If you beat one child with the other child you can tell the Cops that they were just fighting each other .......... You're welcome.

   Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.

   "Couples wearing matching outfits is a hate crime".

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

   Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

   I've heard the song 'This Is How We Do It' like a million times, but it's still very unclear to me.