SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   If I text with "Almost there!" I haven't left yet.

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS

   'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.