Karen Funny Status Messages

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   There's no crying in Vodka

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   I was gonna have sex with you until you said you follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.