Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   If I have a erection lasting 4 hours i'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!

   as Vice-President of Toyota I would like to say please dial 1800-our-bad.

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   Ahh..Monday, so we meet again... You dirty b*tch

   According to a recent survey, 86 percent of people say that they have at least one annoying coworker. The remaining 14 percent don't realize that they are the annoying coworker.

   the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   I was asked if I liked blowing bubbles... but I am not sure. Who is Bubbles?!

   Middle Age---When you sit at home and Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you...

   You can't have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.

   Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.

   The secret to a great relationship...Argue Naked!

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Did Kanye really just tell a dude who can play like 14 instruments that he should give his Grammy to a woman who needs 4 writers for one song?

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...