Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!

   I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

   Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   this is just a temporary status...until I think of something better

   Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend

   I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.

   When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"