Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 290 of 6367
Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
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08-11-2011 13:42
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When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.
cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...
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07-13-2010 15:56
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YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....
Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.
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02-23-2011 18:28
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When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
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08-22-2011 11:06 by AC
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Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"
I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.
born at a very young age.
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09-13-2010 21:05 by Shamus
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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage
Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.
Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.
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09-29-2012 15:37
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Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.
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10-12-2012 21:05
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Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.
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03-23-2013 22:17 by snotty
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can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.
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10-02-2010 22:58 by Kelevra
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The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.
500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...