Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
←Rate | 08-11-2011 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.
←Rate | 02-24-2011 20:26 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...
←Rate | 07-13-2010 15:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....
←Rate | 03-20-2010 00:09 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.
←Rate | 02-23-2011 18:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
←Rate | 08-22-2011 11:06 by AC Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"
←Rate | 09-29-2011 08:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.
←Rate | 06-30-2011 13:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon born at a very young age.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 21:05 by Shamus Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.
←Rate | 03-28-2012 21:22 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
←Rate | 11-25-2012 18:28 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage
←Rate | 04-30-2013 13:45 by originality Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.
←Rate | 09-12-2012 12:20 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.
←Rate | 09-28-2012 05:55 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.
←Rate | 09-29-2012 15:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.
←Rate | 10-12-2012 21:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.
←Rate | 03-23-2013 22:17 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.
←Rate | 10-02-2010 22:58 by Kelevra Comments (1)  


   messageicon The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.
←Rate | 02-03-2010 02:05 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon 500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...
←Rate | 03-27-2010 13:36 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  




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