Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 289 of 6367

   messageicon I'm not that vain, but that song is about me.
←Rate | 08-23-2011 22:11 by Fat Alec Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before you get married try walking with your partner through IKEA. If you don't end up in an argument, you're good to go.
←Rate | 09-05-2011 05:51 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.
←Rate | 08-15-2022 17:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
←Rate | 10-23-2012 12:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"
←Rate | 11-30-2012 02:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 17:30 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon i cant decide between American Idol, DWTS, THe Voice or chopping my nuts off with the hedge trimmers.....
←Rate | 04-14-2013 17:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.
←Rate | 07-10-2013 22:08 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."
←Rate | 12-31-2012 16:08 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
←Rate | 01-16-2013 06:17 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs
←Rate | 01-22-2013 20:45 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
←Rate | 03-02-2013 05:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
←Rate | 04-06-2013 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.
←Rate | 08-23-2012 06:24 by Huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon Roses are red Violets are blue Friend Requests are great But who the f#$k are you?
←Rate | 07-05-2010 00:25 by RoN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
←Rate | 09-24-2010 21:52 by greg2missy Comments (0)  


   messageicon We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
←Rate | 01-11-2011 10:36 by Will Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life is too short for regrets, so after mortally wounding your enemies, learn to forgive yourself and move on
←Rate | 01-05-2010 11:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Noticed this morning that I have the body of a Greek GOD! Old, obsolete, and something that no one is interested in anymore.
←Rate | 01-16-2010 10:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?
←Rate | 04-20-2010 19:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  




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