Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.

   Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.

   There's a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonalds.

   A 90 year old cashier in the speedy checkout lane.... Good move Walmart.

   Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   Please understand that my "May attend" response to your Facebook Event is my polite way of saying “Hell no”

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

   When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

   Lady GAGA was at the VMAs covered in meat. Now she's at the Grammys dressed as an egg. Two more red carpets and Gaga will be a Denny's Grand Slam.