Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.

   Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.

   R.I.P boiled water, you will be mist.

   When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.

   Trying to breathe quietly while walking uphill, so bystanders don’t hear me fighting for my life.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.

   I hide at work, because a good employee is hard to find.

   Roses are lame, love is fake, weddings are basically funerals with cake.

   Have you ever been so mad that you were calm?

   The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before feeding them to your soul.

   I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?