Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vaccine shots are a gateway drug to concerts.

   You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

   With all the crowds of people there's going to be on Memorial Day weekend I'm not traveling, but not because of Coronavirus, I just don't like crowds.

   Unhinged panic porn you can trust ~ CNN

   With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...

   Somedays You just have to have an Attitude of Gratitude !

   Getting older is tough and I’ve tried to age gracefully but nothing prepared me for seeing Ice-T in a commercial for laundry detergent.

   Don't spell part backwards.. it's a trap

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.