Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   Got a new book, “How to make gasoline at home.”

   When she’s telling you all about her problems. Sounds like you need some D.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   When she kisses you goodnight, but only on the forehead. “You forgot the pickle.”

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   When you click “accept cookies,” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   Eating spaghetti and my white shirt is like, “let me taste it.”

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

   Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.

   Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”