andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.
←Rate | 07-23-2013 15:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.
←Rate | 07-20-2013 08:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.
←Rate | 07-20-2013 08:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.
←Rate | 07-17-2013 12:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?
←Rate | 07-09-2013 12:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
←Rate | 07-07-2013 15:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning
←Rate | 06-22-2013 07:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.
←Rate | 06-22-2013 07:39 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.
←Rate | 06-09-2013 07:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.
←Rate | 06-02-2013 08:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.
←Rate | 06-02-2013 08:15 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...
←Rate | 05-31-2013 06:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 06:17 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird
←Rate | 05-29-2013 06:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?
←Rate | 05-27-2013 08:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.
←Rate | 05-23-2013 06:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 06:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.
←Rate | 05-22-2013 06:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.
←Rate | 05-19-2013 09:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
←Rate | 05-14-2013 06:26 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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