andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   I can't believe all these single ladies in my area want to meet me! Must be all the free Ipads I keep winning

   It could be worse. Kanye and Kim originally wanted to name the kid Wild Wild.

   Got hit by a pitch at the batting cage today so I charged the machine.

   Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird

   Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?

   Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.

   The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."

   No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.