andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff
←Rate | 09-19-2015 07:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.
←Rate | 09-19-2015 07:39 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:50 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch
←Rate | 10-03-2015 09:55 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday
←Rate | 10-16-2015 12:02 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting
←Rate | 10-24-2015 22:11 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon 75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
←Rate | 01-08-2016 18:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve
←Rate | 01-08-2016 18:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
←Rate | 01-26-2016 08:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it
←Rate | 03-13-2016 20:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"
←Rate | 03-13-2016 20:49 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: They'll never give me control of the church bells and even if they do I’ll abuse it and lose the privilege so fast.
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:39 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Texted my wife "Nooooooo!" but it autocorrected to "Mooooooo!" and now I can never come home
←Rate | 03-21-2016 11:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree
←Rate | 04-03-2016 19:38 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.
←Rate | 05-20-2016 19:16 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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