Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.

   Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

   The fact that people were hoarding toilet paper proves one thing. Humanity is full of crap.

   Welsh woman used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their boobs, and screaming obscenities at their victim. It’s sad how we let some traditions die.

   Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.

   You think you’ve got it rough? Imagine being a trapeze artist with diarrhea.

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.

   Aside from “life is short,” what other spurts of insanity do you use before making bad decisions?

   Old Turkish Proverb: “When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, the palace becomes a circus.”

   Johnny Depp is the one guy that could've used an amber alert.

   If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.

   Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.

   Girls in 2012: touch my butt and buy me pizza. Girls in 2022: choke me and hit me with your car.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Were you a kid who stirred their ice cream with a spoon until it was soup, or were you normal?

   Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.